How Slack Am I?????

Hello to those few lovely people that follow my blog!

I must firstly apologise for being so slack and selfish and not making time to blog and for getting so caught up in myself and feeling sorry for myself and just dwelling on myself!!

Well I am proud to say i turned a new leaf, thanks to Kristin and Sue and of course my lovely other half!! And of course I had to help myself aswell!!!

I have started another 12 week program and I am finally getting in to the groove of it and feeling results in body, it comes down to patience and following the program to a t and the diet to a t and you really do get results, its so stupid how you forget all these things when you are feeling down and out!!! And how irrational you think at times!!! Kristin has helped me sooo much with all this!!

I have stared another program mainly because i am getting married in March on the 20th and want to look lean and slim and also to better myself with controling my binges and to help keep me positive and on track!!!

Wedding plans i have only just started to enjoy as when i was feeling how i was i wanted to call it off, but my sister kept going with it all, and now i am getting excited!! I really cannot wait to get all dressed and have my hair and make up done and to feel the best i can possiably and to walk down the asile to the love of my life, sounds corny I know but its how i feel tonight!! LOL

Anyway better be off to bed have an early start in the morning 4.30am!! We are heading to Rocky to do our Christmas shopping, nothing like being organised!!! LOL. Its going to be hell but anyway , I love shopping so I am sure i will be ok, but not Sure about poor old Ryan, no doubt we will have an arguement somewhere in there!! LOL

Anyway I am going to blog again before Christmas!!

Love Chelle

xxxxoooo

My Photo Shoot

Hi,

Well I had my photos taken and i had an awesomw time!!! It was so much fun and i really did not struggle too much with depletion!!! I am very proud of myself in that respect!!!
But as always there is always a BUT, i really over did it with my free meal, not that same day as i really was in control but it was the next day that things went stupid!!! I was tired and feeling really run down and also was thinking that i deserved a pig out!!! mY old demond showing their faces again!!! So now i am suffering from severe carb bloat more than what i would have if i just stuck to my free meal!!! I am actually feeling really bruised everywhere as i thik it is from the swelling and bloat!!!! But i have to put it down to a learning experience and i will do better next time!!!!

I know what went wrong it was a combo of things!! I had a hens night to go to that sae night of photos and i drank alcahol and went to bed late and could not sleep, got up early next morning went for a walk on the beach all this was ok as i had drank heaps of water!!! I had a healthy breakfast poched eggs, mushrooms and tomato and grain toast. Traveled home and i was feeling wrecked by now, so by the time i got home i was in the mode of wantoing food and more food!!! I was fighting muelf, went and got subway a wrap and salad and tried to stop at this thenwanted chocolate had some and things just went on from there, So next time no hebs night after depletion and no late night!!!!

Anyway i am trying to forgive myself and drinking heaps of water and exercising!!! Ifeel awful and disappointed, but the photos are god though!! I cannot wait to do it again sometime!!

I am going to try and put some up not very good with this sort of thing though!!

Chelle

It's Been Awhile!!!!

Well i must apolagise for not blogging more regularly!!! Or apolagise to myself as i find it very good to put my feelings into words.
Last week i was feeling great. i weighed 49.5kg still and really struggling to get below that and this week back up to 50.5kgs ttom is about to come though i think they are very latte though!!! Anyway back to last week i was very positive feeling lean and fit, we had a wedding to go to in rocky on the saturday and Ryan and I went shopping in Rocky on the wednesday before to get new outfits for the wedding now i felt really lean and must say i like how i looked in everything, i was very proud of my achievements, Saturday came and i got my hair done and we went to rocky leaving Chloe at home it was the first time i had been away from her for the night!!! I coped Just LOL!!! I missed her like CRAZY!!! Anyway we got ready and i was feeling lean ang good about myself and i had decided to have a free meal at the wedding, i thought i was quite mentaly prepared for it, but it was quite unstructured asi did not know what they were having etc!!! It started off with nibbles chiken wings prawn things etc i had to have some!!! They were very yummy i thought i am doing ok, then the main came it was a smorgasboard roast chicken, beef potato pumpkin sweet n sour chicken and rice i had some of everything, still going ok was quite full though!! Then desert came and i had triffle 2 small date puddings custard now i was bursting at the seams by this but you know what i could have stil eaten more how CRAZY!!! I made ryan go get more but could not eat it!!! LOL. Anyway about an hour later they bought wedding ckae around and they just put heaps of pieces on our table and of course i gad to have some and i continued to eat it throughout the night and even took 4 piec3es home with me and ate them that night!!!! I do not know what gets into me!! I go so good then i have my free meal and i loose the plot!!!! Sometimes i do really well but i think it was because it was not very planned and i did not know what they were having etc, i should have stopped at the main meal and not had desset there and went and a coffee somewhere else as i was not drinking either!!! I should have gone home!! But anyway all goo on hind sight!! So the next day i felt hung over from all the food and i could have eaten like that again the next day it tool all my strength not to, except thaqt night for dinner i had rice cakes nut paste and diet jam, not so good but better than what i realy wanted !! Hence my body has not recovered this week and my period is WAy overdue and just want it to come now as i am so bloated and cranky!! Iam also having alot of negative thoughts about my training and eating!!! I feel i am getting tooo big and i just want to be lean and skinny!!! But i think that is due to the bloat!!!

Also at the wedding, when i was congratulating the bride she said to me how beautiful and skinny i looked now the day was meant to be about her and i was stoked with her comments and she kept saying this through out the night also and said i should have been training her for her wedding!!!! Also her father commented on how fit i looked and said to keep it up!! Now i think my mind plays tricks when it comes to this sort of thing and it says i deserve to eat what i want!!! Bad behaviour but true!!
Anyway i just have to keep on keeping on and think of the big picture!!! I start depletion on the 26th i am nervous but excited at the same time!!! I really want some great photos!!!
Anyway i am off to have a cuppa and my my nut paste!!! YUMMY
Talk again tomorrow!!!!

Motivation Dwindling!!

Well i am having the worst last couple of days my motivation is shot and my attitude stinks!!!! I hate this when this happens and it always around that time of the month!!!
I hate being around Ryan at the moment he is driving me nuts and all i can think about is food and what i cannot eat!!! How stupid! i have been doing so well!!! I have not binged but there have been some close calls for example last night at midnight i was looking at the loaf of white bread and butter and honey and i could have eaten the lot!!! But i did not it took all my strength to not have it, but i have been dicking around with my food though, a little extra protein here, 2 chicken crimpes of chloes there and an extra few walnuts here and on Friday night i had masterfoods bbq sauce on my omlette for tea and lots of it, just silly things like this that will not help me and my goals!! Any suggestions for a bbq sauce substitute?

Anyway i think also Ryan and i have not been getting on so great due to the fact that we are tired from Chloe not sleeping and our life styles are so busy!!! He starts work at 6.30am and does not get home till after 6pm he is an accountant so busy time of year and i just seem to run aroound in circles!! Between that and his footy coaching which i might add is only going to get buissier due to his commets coaching starting up in october he has to travel to rocky 2 times a week and they play in weekends and sometimes train on weekends and all this with planning a wedding which i might add he has not been very helpful at all!!! It just frustrates me so much!!! I aske dhim today to look at honey moons and no interest, jsut said well have you got a plan as to how you will look at honey moons, now i just thought get ont he internet!!! Anyway i just feel as though i need time away from him!! DO not get me wrong i LOVE him to bits but it just gets all too much at times!!! He also said my training gets in the way of us sometimes!! I saw RED when he said this as i try not to do anything when he is around, i get up early in the morn when he is getting ready for work to do my cardio and i do my weights when chloe has a sleep and he is at work and sometimes that works out to be when he is on lunch but i always have his lunch made etc. and sometimes on days when i work i may have to do something when Chloe goes to bed but normally he is at footy training!!! Can you see a problem!! Also this traininging makes me feel so good when the motivation is good but even when its not once i have done it i feel great!!
Anyway i have really had a whinge today sorry everyone for that just had to get it off my chest!!! I just wish i had people close to me with similar fitness goals etc and understanding but i have no one!! Just feeling a little down and out and i do not want to loose control as it will not help me and how i am feeling!!

Sorry to be so negative next post will be better!!

Chelle

Nearly Fell off the Wagon

Well what a week!!!! Chloe has not been sleeping well at all!!! Sunday night was awful!!! She woke up so many times, i got up to her 4 times in 45 minutes and mean while Ryan is sound asleep not hearing a thing!!! How frustrating!!! Anyway at about 2am Chloes Cot fell apart well the slats came apart and it made the biggest noise and i still had to jab Ryan to come and help me quickly!!! By this stage i was ready to kill him!!! LOL. Anyway Chloe was so upset she vommented and in the shower we got, by this time i had given Ryan a masiive serve and told him to sleep lighter so he could hear her and that he was getting uo to her from now on!!!! The poor little darlin she was so sick!!! She has got atopic ezchemea ( not sure on spelling) and she is teething also and has a cold. Anyway we got her back to bed, not long after that Ryan was up to her again and then i was up not long after that. This went on till the early hours of the morn 4 or more. She finally went to sleep and Ryan had to get up for work and i was meant to get up for a run but was so exhausted!!! I decided then and there that i was not going to work, i felt so depressed and awful. By the time we got up it was 8.30am and i was just down and out and thought to myself that there was still some slice there left over from yesterday and before i knew i had eaten both pieces bu this stage i was really pannicking and i had to tell myself to stop!!! This is not the answer and it will only make me feel worse!!! So with all my strength and determination i had my normal breakfast and got on with my day!!! It was so hard as i could have just ate and ate cause i jsut felt awful!!! But i also remembered how ill i felt the afternoon before, from my dessert and thought that is not going to help me or Chloe and she is going to need me today!!! So i got on the treadmil when she went to bed, went for a walk in the arv and played touch that night. I know it was nit ideal eating the 2 pieces of slice, but i STOPPED and moved on and have maintained my 49.5kgs this week, i felt totally exhausted all day, but drank heaps of water and kept remnding myself that tomorrow would be abetter day!!!

Anyway Chloe is still not sleeping well and last night was a bit of a strugle again and i ended up having 1/2 an extra fat serve and some extra protein at dinner, hence weight went up to 50kgs, but i have moved on from this and am focusing on the positives. Although it has taken till tonight to get to that point, up until now i have felt quite negative and a little lost!!! I think due to getting a new program as much as i could not wait for it to come it always puts me out of my comfort zone and feel a little off track until i get it all sorted in my head and on paper.
I have yet to e mail Hilary with a few questions but nothing to important just curious more than anything.

i so enjoy doing this ibol stuff it gives me such a purpose!!! And have learnt so much about myself and learnt so much from HIlary and Kristin!!! Anyway I am to have a cuppa before bed and hope to gosh that Chloe sleeps better tonight!!! I am doing my interval training tomorrow morning and am going to hit it hard!!! Also hoping my weight has come back down. Anyway until next time have a great Friday!!!

Chelle


"You can't base your life on other people's expectations."

Feeling Tired so just a quick Blog

Well i managed to hit the 49.5kg mark again on Friday Sat and Sun wahooooooo. Now to keep going down i have to stay focused not only on the scale as this is when i get into trouble as the last couple of weeks i have have not concerntrated on that so much just concerntrating on eating clean and eating to plan and sticking to my exercise plan.
Well i had my fee meal today and i cooken a roast and had had the these little chicken rolled roasts they were beautiful my fisrt roast that i have ever cooked too!! But not too healthy as i cooke dthe veges in oil any suggestions on a healthier way to do it? Then we had caramle choc slice and homer hudson ice cream yummy although i feel quite ill in the tummy and i am really looking forward to eating clean again tomorrow and having a big sleep tonight.

Anyway i get a new program tomorrow and i cannot wait until have a great Monday.

Chelle

How Exciting!!!

Well i finally hit the 49.5kg mark this morn and i felt so proud!!!! But it went down hill a bit after that. I was was feeling really off all day all i wanted to do was vommit!!! Gross it felt like morning sickness all over again and NO i am not pregnant, so it was not how i planned on feeling when i went under the 50kg mark, i still managed to do my cardio this morn as i was not too bad until after that i thought i was hungry and when i has breaky i went down hill even more managed to keep it down though! Tonight i am feeling nauseated and very bloated in the tummy, I have not really felt hungry all day and that is so not like me i do not like this feeling much as it feels like my body is not working properly, i have still eaten all my meals and snacks etc but feel awfully bloated so will be interesting to see what my body does in the morn on the scales.

Chloe has been havong really bad nights it is so exhausting!! The poor little darlin though she has this dermatitis tyoe thing al over her and it is driving her crazy!!! We can not get into the specialist until the 10 of september how frustrating!!! We have tried so many creams and lotions and potions its not funny we are thinking it maybe food elated but the specialist does not want us to eliminate anything until she has seen her so just bathing her in pinetarsal and latering her in qv balm and giving her antihistamines!!

Anyway i will write again on the weekend, wish me luck for the morn it always makes me nervous weigh day!!! LOL It will be interesting!!!

Chelle

Craving Food and More Food!!!

Well, what a week it has been!!! I went wedding dress shopping last saturday and found my dress of my dreams!! Imust admit its not something i thought i would have picked but i love it!!! Thay are doing a few alterations to it to really suit me and what i want!!! So i am hoping the alterations will come up ok!! I had the actual stylist and designer fit me it was such a good day my sister Tracy came with me. On the saturday i only tried on 2 dresses because we spent so much time fiddling around with the one i am getting so on Tuesday my mum and I went back up to try on a few more to make sure i had made the right decision and what would you know 6 dresses later i chose the one i was getting already!! LOL

On the sunday just gone we were meant to get a puppy for Chloe a little silky terrior crossed with a chauouer ( not sure on spelling) she was so cute!!! Anyway a rot wheeler rolled on her and she died it is just so sad!!!! I was so excited for Chloe and I as she seems to really love animals and this little puppy just looked like it would suit her!! I had a little cry but Ryan said we will look for another one and that we probably were not meant to get that one!! Still very sad though!!!

Last weekend i could have had a free meal if i wanted to but i chose not to as i really did not feel like anything in particular, so i thought i would wait for another 2 weeks before i had my free meal!!
But it is a different story this weekend i am craving sweet things something awful, i got to work today and i work at a pharmacy and we have bags of jelly beans glaring at me say eat me eat me, well the ones on the shelf are easy to resist as they are not open but the girls always have an open packet in the drawer for them to snack on up intil now it has not been a problem until 8.30am this morn and i scoffed down 8 without even thinking!!! I was even telling myself that i was going to have a free meal this weekend as well as next week just to stop my cravings, but i know that would not have worked it would have made it worse as i would have felt like failure and probably went on a binge!!! But I did say STOP to myself and got a pen and paper out and wrote down mu affirmations and said them over and over and rang Ryan and told him how i was feeling!!!! By this stage it was 9.30am and i was due to have morning tea at 10am so we decided to just think my next meal is only half an hour away and to frink heaps of water until then!!! And what do you know it worked!!! I made it through the morning without having anymore jelly beans!!!
Then lunch time came and I was starving again i could not get lunch made quick enough!!! I was like a bear with a sore head!! I ended up having a little extra protein as i was sooo hungry, again i had to realy talk to myself to not eat anymore than my allocated meal but i won and made it through!! Now i am going to win again tonight i am not craving as bad tonight though!!
My weight was 50.5kgs this morn so i have lost 500grams for the week which i think is pretty good.

I have just finished week 5 of my program and have 1 more week until i get an updated program and that cannot come soon enough i am getting a little bored with the current one!! So i amexcited about that!!!

Wedding plans are slowly coming together i am going to organise engagment pary invites tomorrow and get them sent out this week, i am staring to stress a little about it all, but i have to keep telling myself that it will not help only make me have a melt down!!!!

Anyway i am off to have a cup of herbal tea and my fat serve for the day almond paste and whole almonds! YUMMY
Talk again soon


"The only place where your dream becomes impossible is in your own thinking."
Robert H. Schuller

Chelle

A Good Kick Up the BUTT is what you need sometimes

Well the title says it all, i will not go into detail but i am sure the 2 people that gave me this know who they are!!! LOL
I just want to say thank you and now i do realise that i have to be more independent and take control of myself!!!
At the moment i am working on my affirmation and so far so good, not something I want to share yet though until i see how i am at the end of this blitz!!
Kristin has eliminated a couple of things out of my diet as i have come to a bit of a stand still, but i wonder if that has a thing or two to do with my attitude lately, very negative and just being totaly consumed by the scales!! Not a good way to be as I have been making that my soul focus in a way, but these are all things to work on!!! It just gets frustrating when you are doing everything right and exercising really hard and the scales stay the same, but also tom has not come yet it has been 6 weeks and no I am not pregnant i have done two tests to just make sure!! We are definently not trying for another till next year, so a combination of all these things would be adding to the stand still.
I am still in two minds about having my free meal this weekend as i am a little worried about a couple of things, loosing control and having a binge and secondly if i just have a normal free meal will it put me back aswell as the last coup;e of weeks i have had a couple of slip ups, so not sure???

I am really excited about Saturday as my sister and i going to look for wedding dresses in Rocky i really think it will do me good to focus on other things and put my mind off the scales and weight for a bit!! I have picked out a few dresses in mags , but who knows what will look good on me, but so exciting!!!

My goals for the rest of the week are to be more positive and say and write my affirmation a few at least once a day and to exercise with my whole heart in it and to enjoy life and love myself and nuture myself and just think of nice things!!

I had a bit of a melt down at work today i had a big cry due to a few things, work is a bit stressful at the moment and it just got to me and that does not normaly happen and also i ahve been missing my Dad so much lately, i am really teffified in a way of my wedding day as he will not be there to walk me down the asile and to say a beautiful speach like he has done for my other 3 sisters, it just got on top of me and i had a little howl!! The girls were shocked as i normaly am not lke this!! LOL the poor things they did not know what to do!!
But my goodness a cry makes you feel so much better, its nearly like going for a big run and letting everything go, think i may have another one tonight!! Sometimes i think i have not dealt with dad dieing but i suppose it will be like this forever to a certain degree!!

But anyway i am going to leave on a happy note and go and eat my yummy vege omlette that has heaps and heaps of veges in it i am starving!!! So far so good with sticking to the diet changes!!! Finding it a littel tough but nothing i cannot beat!!!! I am going to the body i want and so desire!!!

Chelle

So Excited I got a Comment on my blog!!!!

Well i was so excited to see that Kristin made a comment on my blog!!! Ryan my Financee has been paying me out about no one commenting!!! LOL Well i showed him!!!
Thans Hilary!!!

The rnd of the week has been ok , a little tough on the motivation feeling a little tired and craving a little, but i have been quite good, i have been reminding myself how good i feel when i have eaten well and exercised, last night i had a tiny hiccup i had a piece of bread after dinner with nut paste on it!! But i stopped there and Ryan and i spoke about it and he asked me how i was feeling and what was i thinking it realy helped his concern but not telling not to do it as i would have rebelled!!! but i got through it i know it was not ideal but better than the last couple of weeks.

I felt a little ordinary this morn as Chloe my 16month old woke up a few times last night, but i made myself get up and i did my weights, i had a protein drink first, i must say though i do not think i willl do weights first thing in the morn again as i did not feel very string at all did not have the power and enthusiasm i normaly do, but i did it as that was the time that was going to work best for us for the day as we had visistiors coming and i had a heap of washing and ironing to do, we all went for a walk after i did my weights too, nice and early for ryan on a weekend 7 Am!!! LOL, that is late for me.

Today i have stuck to plan really well and have not felt like slipping up at all, have felt quite hungry though the last few days not sure what that is about!!

I had one of my close girlfriensds come over yesterday and we went through a heap of wedding mags and cut out a heap of dresses etc that i like as my sister and i are going to rocky this sat to have a look!!! Exciting!! Sp am really determined to be good this week to feel good about myself when trying on dresses, not that, that is the only reason to be good, just an extra incentive.

Kristin you have been such an inspiration this week reading your blogs you have helped me so much!!! I hope to meet you one day!!
Also I did ask in the last comment i wrote to you what was the sayong you wrote everyday to inspire you? Maybe its private, just tell me to not ask if it is!! LOL

Anyway we are all off for another walk now, Ryan has got the whip out as he has been on the couch all afternoon now wants to do something!!! Anyway will be good

Looking forward to next week i am going to train HARD and eat to plan!! I want to feel sore and sweat!!!

Chelle

On Track Again

Hi All,

Well i have slowlt gotten back on track again, i have eaten to plan for 2 days now and completed all my exercise that i said I would from the program, it has been a hard slog as my weight is 52kgs and seeing that really disappoints me, but i cannot dwell on it otherwise i will not move on!!! My goodness i have put my body through alot the last couple of weeks nad it finally caught up with me!! Hence the weight gain, but positive thinkin!!! I can get it back!!! The way I am getting through it is i am looking at it as a challenge for myself to get the lean body i had last week back!! Through all of this week the biggest thing i have learnt is that i was doing a great job and my body was really getting lean and it took this bump in the road to realise how good i was doing, so the lesson here is when i do get back to 50kgs i am going to appreciate it and think how good i look and how hard i have worked!!! My goal is 48kgs, but little steps at a time from now on and one day at a time!! Anyway i have gone on enough I am off to give my legs and triceps a big workout!!! I want to feel the burn and to sweat!!! LOL
Talk Later
Chelle

Starting Again

Hi All,

Well it has been ages since i wrote on my blog, just took me ages to work out to post a new message!!!
Well things have been a little all over the place a couple of weeks ago I started my Blitz again due to my beautiful daughter being really sick and it was just too hard to train and do what i needed todo for the orogram. So Sue, Hilary and Kristin gave me a solution and here I am just finished my second week, up until yesterday i was going great guns i felt really lean and strong i had even hit the 49.5kgs mark a couple of times although on Friday i was 50.5kgs, thom is due though.

Well yesterday was my my free meak and Ryan and i planned to go out for my birthday which was on the 22nd for lunch, now i thought i had prepared myself really well i got a menu in advance so i knew what to get and we planned to have cake and coffee at the local coffee shop afterwards, so i thought i had myself all prepared, well today i am telling you something went wrong!!! We had the meal and coffee and cake and i eas feeling satisfied so i thoought, but apparently not i faught with muself all arv to not have anymore, i nearly won i had a couple of lollies and then i went for a walk, then we went home as we were at mums and i gad rice cakes and nut paste and jam for dinner of all things then i had bread, chicken crimpies and chocolate, i stuffed up big time then today i woke up on the wrong side of the bed big time!!! My things have to come soon or i am going to go mental, all i wanted to do was eat and eat, we went for a walk this morn and we had breakfast , i had my pancakes and some extra banana thinking that may cure me, then later on i had my morning tea had extra apple thinking that may help also, but the day spiraled out of control and here i am once again bloated and feeling like total failure!!!!
I read the articles that Hilary anf Kritin have given me but it went in one ear and the other, now i had a binge two weeks ago just before i started the blitz again, and vowed to myself to not let it happen again, but i suppose the only consulaton is that it was not as bad as the other time, but i just feel like awful, i was starting to feel realy lean and get veins on my tummy it seems as though i am sabotaging myself in some way!!

I do know what has caused it again though, thom and my best friends father passing away suddenly from cancer last week, I t brought back all sorts of memories, i cried more at that funeral than dads, as all i was thinking about was my father, how i wish he was still here with us, i need him at times like this to give me ahug and tell it will be ok!!!

But anyway I just have to get back up again and move on and forgive myself it just seems as though i am having to do that alot lately, i feel that is all i am doing, i just wish i could stop myself, i ordered a book Kristin reccomended to me but am still waiting on it, bring on the book i need all the help i can get.

There are times when i just want to give up and throw the towel in, but then i think about how good i feel when ieat well and train hard, nothing feels as good as that!!!!

This is a life long journey that does not cure it self over night i have been struggling with bad eating habits moxt of my like and only been on this journey for about 7 months, and have learnt alot and leaned out alot also i just have to stay poisitive and keep remininding myself why i am doing this.

I jumped on the scales tonight and they were 54kgs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOSH I have not been that gor months and months, so I have put them away for a few days until my peroid comes and the bloat goes away and i have a few days to eat and exercise well, i nearly did my head in over that number.

Anyway i promise to not leave it so long to blog again and next time i will have positive feed back!!!

Chelle

Starting my second 12 week body blitz

Hi All,

Well I have never written on a blog before but here it goes.
My name is Michelle I am 28 years old and I am starting my second 12 week body blitz and I am needing some positive support.
I learnt alot from my first blitz but felt I had alot more that i could achieve so i decided to do another one.

The last couple of days have been like one big roller coaster ride, up and dowm and all over the place, I have been questioning myself as to whether i can do this or not if i will fail, i have been eatng whatever i want the last copule of days and i feel awful, i am thinking that what if the program does not work for me, what if i stay in this state of mind the whole 12 weeks and never achieve what i want!!! I just feel like like I am going to go insane at the moment, i just want to feel good about myself!!!