It's Been Awhile!!!!

Well i must apolagise for not blogging more regularly!!! Or apolagise to myself as i find it very good to put my feelings into words.
Last week i was feeling great. i weighed 49.5kg still and really struggling to get below that and this week back up to 50.5kgs ttom is about to come though i think they are very latte though!!! Anyway back to last week i was very positive feeling lean and fit, we had a wedding to go to in rocky on the saturday and Ryan and I went shopping in Rocky on the wednesday before to get new outfits for the wedding now i felt really lean and must say i like how i looked in everything, i was very proud of my achievements, Saturday came and i got my hair done and we went to rocky leaving Chloe at home it was the first time i had been away from her for the night!!! I coped Just LOL!!! I missed her like CRAZY!!! Anyway we got ready and i was feeling lean ang good about myself and i had decided to have a free meal at the wedding, i thought i was quite mentaly prepared for it, but it was quite unstructured asi did not know what they were having etc!!! It started off with nibbles chiken wings prawn things etc i had to have some!!! They were very yummy i thought i am doing ok, then the main came it was a smorgasboard roast chicken, beef potato pumpkin sweet n sour chicken and rice i had some of everything, still going ok was quite full though!! Then desert came and i had triffle 2 small date puddings custard now i was bursting at the seams by this but you know what i could have stil eaten more how CRAZY!!! I made ryan go get more but could not eat it!!! LOL. Anyway about an hour later they bought wedding ckae around and they just put heaps of pieces on our table and of course i gad to have some and i continued to eat it throughout the night and even took 4 piec3es home with me and ate them that night!!!! I do not know what gets into me!! I go so good then i have my free meal and i loose the plot!!!! Sometimes i do really well but i think it was because it was not very planned and i did not know what they were having etc, i should have stopped at the main meal and not had desset there and went and a coffee somewhere else as i was not drinking either!!! I should have gone home!! But anyway all goo on hind sight!! So the next day i felt hung over from all the food and i could have eaten like that again the next day it tool all my strength not to, except thaqt night for dinner i had rice cakes nut paste and diet jam, not so good but better than what i realy wanted !! Hence my body has not recovered this week and my period is WAy overdue and just want it to come now as i am so bloated and cranky!! Iam also having alot of negative thoughts about my training and eating!!! I feel i am getting tooo big and i just want to be lean and skinny!!! But i think that is due to the bloat!!!

Also at the wedding, when i was congratulating the bride she said to me how beautiful and skinny i looked now the day was meant to be about her and i was stoked with her comments and she kept saying this through out the night also and said i should have been training her for her wedding!!!! Also her father commented on how fit i looked and said to keep it up!! Now i think my mind plays tricks when it comes to this sort of thing and it says i deserve to eat what i want!!! Bad behaviour but true!!
Anyway i just have to keep on keeping on and think of the big picture!!! I start depletion on the 26th i am nervous but excited at the same time!!! I really want some great photos!!!
Anyway i am off to have a cuppa and my my nut paste!!! YUMMY
Talk again tomorrow!!!!